Man, was that 2014 a ball buster or what! First I had to deal with that dang arrest warrant in Colorado. Come on! It’s been years since I ripped anybody off in that state. So give me a break. Thank you Lord for the gift of witness intimidation. Once I made it clear to Carmen that I still had those naughty photos of the night I got her husband drunk and grabbed his ass…well, she was out of there and so too was the case. Oh sure, I got a bunch of lip from that silly female DA, but what the heck. Like they are going to threaten me with other charges? Ha! By the time I left town they were glad to see my backside.
Then my granny died. Crips! I kept threatening to kill her and never got the chance. Then I discover that I’m not in the will. OK, I never was in her will (guess all those death threats didn’t appeal to her or something). But come on, she was my granny too. So somebody better give me something. But nooooooo! All I got was a lot of trash talk. Sure, I was the one doing all of the trash talk but they all deserved it. My relatives should know better than to try and have a private conversation on Facebook.
Upside to 2014, finally unloaded some old and useless stuff. Got my buddy Spoonhead to buy the copyright to that waste of paper I churned out several years ago. Man oh man is that boy dumb. I told him that it will someday become an important historic document and he fell for it. Honest! Big slob couldn’t cut the check fast enough. Then I got my other buddy Harry to buy that digital wasteland of a snooze site. He’s not too bright either. Still thinks that Sen. Marco Polo will be president some day. Convinced Harry that the snooze site will someday be historically significant. Actually, I didn’t even bother to read the stupid thing. Mostly it was just Ilse ranting about some bee buzzing in her bonnet. Who cares. Besides, she kept bugging me about her “royalties” from that book that never went anywhere.
Discovered this new thing called crowdfunding. You just post some bogus stuff online and total strangers hand you money. I thought I would love it. Went for the swampland property racket and even “promised” tiny pieces of “land.” Sort of like fantasy baseball. Then I opened a bottle of vodka and kicked back to watch the money flow in. Nothing happened!
Some of those jerks over at the Regulator made some flack. So I sent Spoonhead after them. He’s pretty good at stinkin’ up the place. And he really had them on the rope. Those silly slimeballs kept using logic and reason and actual evidence. Big deal! Spoonhead played it cool. He just kept repeating the same stupid crap over and over again with only slight changes in the personal insults. No rime, no reason, no nuthin’. Just massive repeated postings. Enough to kill a horse. Then he insulted Jim Morrison and that crazy Canadian fish wife yanked his plug. Guess she is a big fan of Brown Eye Girl or some other Morrison tune. I don’t know anything about pop music. Heck, I just learned about Kiss a few years ago.
Figured I better give that crowdfunding thing another go.Can’t believe I had to fall back on the bogus book thing. I had promised a booklet called One Man Wanking about 3 or 5 or whatever years ago. Just horsing around, you know. But what the heck. Maybe I could score money by convincing people that I would actually write it if they paid me now for copies in “advance.” More flack from those bastards over at the Regulator. Good grief! They claim that I had stated that I had finished the damn book years ago…well, yeah, but, oh come on. Like they thought I was serious? They made me sooooo mad. So I told them, I had the dirt on each and every one of them. Heck, Spoonhead spends half of his waking hours over there and has been collecting information on all of them. For example, did you know that the guy who uses the name Dennis is really named Dennis? We were finally getting the real low down on these fiends. So I let them know that I was devoting a whole section of the book to exposing them. In fact, I was hoping that they would order copies to see what I might be saying about them. But no go. It’s as if the lousy stupid jerks just don’t care. The book racket doesn’t seem to be working this time.
Then I heard about something called eBay. You take your old crap and post it online and people will pay lots of money for it. Sweet Baby Jesus, what an idea. So I got my “art” collection all lined up. Posted photos and a bunch of wildly high prices. Opened another bottle of vodka and waited for the money to pour in. What the hey! I can’t even get anybody on that site to look at my stuff less alone make an offer. What does it take to make a buck around here? Must somehow be the fault of those turds at the Regulator. I’ll add it to the “book.” Heck, it’s not as if that thing is ever going to see the light of day.